good for you

Games being cancelled can be annoying. Today my university volleyball team was playing away - at least that's what we thought. Walking back to halls, along the south bank of the Thames, I met two runners headed in the opposite direction; the second of whom was an overweight woman. As I was trying not to stare at her, I thought, "good for her." Now, I must confess that wasn't the first thought that crossed my mind when I saw her, but in my defence it didn't take me many seconds to change perspective.

I spend far too much time worrying about what people think. Chameleons may look cool at first glance, but who wants to be one - or have one as a friend for that matter. Last week I read my friend's post about being a hippie, and it really made me think.
http://ispeakinglish.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-want-something-more.html

Ever since I was a young kid I've wanted to be the stressed out, successful businessman on the London Underground; complete with suit, briefcase and shiny black shoes. Sometimes I forget what I really want theough, this post reminded me. I used to dream of moving to Africa, somewhere kids don't have the opertunity to go to school - and to change that. I wanted to found and run a school that was active in the community, and not only teach text-book stuff that most of the kids there never would need anyway. I didn't want to just be a teacher, I wanted to make a real difference. This may all sound like a huge cliché, and I have come to doubt that I will live the majority of my life in Africa. Yet I don't want to give up on my dream. I really do want to make a difference. My biannual depression is caused either by being over-, or under-worked. Either way life seems very dreary and pointless. I've stopped believing in merely surviving today in hope of a brighter tomorrow; ironically tomorrow turns out to be yet another today.

Sermons sometimes annoy me. Especially those in which the preacher endorses a multitude of professions for Christians. It is not that I don't believe in the principle, but I disagree with the limitations. Even if the list expounds upon the holy trinity of "doctor, nurse and teacher," the general message is still the same: A good Christian should work with people, and preferably in a role that provides the opertunity to offer others advice. Now, if this actually was the case, surely hairdresser would be on the list. After all, it is far easier to have a personal conversation with someone running hot water through your hair and lathering in shampoo, before cutting it; than with an authoritative superior telling you all the ways in which you need to change your lifestyle, while sitting on an uncomfortable wooden chair in a sterile white room. Or how about working at an airport - that's certainly a place in which you can make a difference for stressed out people.

The job you have isn't important, what you make of it is. I want to be involved with initiatives that give my life purpose away from work. Reading Chelsea's blog also made me realise that I need my life to be fulfilling, and to have have purpopse now - while I'm studying. If I can't both study and be content; maybe I shouldn't be studying. I'm determined to make it work.

life insurance

There's nothing like blogging to escape from studying.... It's the perfect excuse, might even qualify as being constructive. Today I've pretty much stayed in bed all day; trying to kill a bug I picked up a couple of days ago, before it gets too snug and comfortable. To be fair, being sick is another great excuse for mindlessly letting the day slip away. This is why I'm not giving myself too hard a time about having been unproductive today, though I did promise myself I'd spend a couple of hours working on my lab report. Fourty five minutes ago I finally got a grip, sat myself down at my desk in front of my computer, and got started. It didn't last long though, hence this post and all my excuses.

On Friday night I lay in bed with a pen, a pencil and a Bible. Hearing about Kirsten being killed in Micronesia made my most prominent issue with Christianity surface with a splash. Isn't God supposed to protect the people that work for Him? Among others, I read all the chapters that had protect in them, both from the NIV and ESV. To my surprise I was actually enjoying myself, I was reminded of why I chose to spend a year of my life studying theology - it almost made me miss it. Although Christians explain the pain in the world as being the work of evil, not of God, they do not deny that God has the power to intervene. This view, shared by the ancient Jews, but to a more radical extent, is evident in the Old Testament (2 Samuel 24, 1 Chronicles 21) where two authors telling the same story disagree on whether God or Satan instigated events. Bible critics love passages such as these; how could two passages which contradict each other so blatantly be inspired by the same God. Jews can live with the contradiction quite happily though, ancient Jews especiallt, they saw everything that happened as coming from God; simply because allowing something to happen essentially is the same as doing it yourself.

My experience is that Christians agree with Jews in principle, but complicate issues by giving God the credit for that which is good, and the devil for that which is evil. Perhaps subconciously they try to seperate God from evil, which creates an oversimplistic dynamic that comes back to haunt them. Either God is intricately involved in everything that happens, or He set things in motion and is now watching things play out. The problem with distancing God from evil is that you essentially are left with a God intricately involved in all good things, but who suddenly sits back looking on from afar when we discuss the hurt in our lives. My mother was killed by accident, Kirsten was killed with intent; yet an omnipotent God could have kept them both from dying. In ancient Jewish perspective God might as well have killed them. Although this may seem troubling, this is also what Christians believe, they are just too afraid to say it - one might claim they have every reason to be. In a way it is similar to a doctor consciously deciding not to treat a mortally wounded patient who could be saved. This is a painful image, how can parents forgive and learn to love this doctor, whose patient was their daughter; or a son forgive the doctor who chose not to save his mother? Christians may not like this potrayal of their all-loving God, yet I believe it is essential that they accept that this is exactly what they claim to believe in. By claiming that God is not directly responsible, they essentially state that he was not capable of intervening- what kind of a god is that? It most definitely is not the God of the Bible.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with my biblical study of protection. I think most Christians believe that God protects them - perhaps He does. But I couldn't find a single text that promised God would protect those that believe in Him. Christians may be confused and angry when God lets their loved ones die, but do they have any reason to be? Death, pain and suffering are facts of life on earth, when did God promise Christians preferential treatment?