it's really happening....

Today I wrote instructions for my successor, cleared my desk and said my goodbyes - I am officially finished teaching!! For now. Finishing teaching is the beginning of moving on. Leaving the safe and sound to challenge the world. Two days from now I'll be sitting on a plane bound for Munich. Somehow or other I'll have to get from the airport to some place out in the middle of who knows where, in Austria. Finally my basic German skills will be put to the test. From there I fly to London, where I'll be moving in to my new room, with my new room mate, at my new university; it's really happening.

Although teaching has been OK, and despite the fact that I feel I've actually made a contribution to the lives of people I care about, being finished is a relief. Now I can just lie back and enjoy my last few days in Norway. Change is good. Change is exciting. Change is happening right here, right now. Adventure is important. If you don't have much excitement in your life I challenge you; I challenge you to get out of your comfort zone and live once in a while.

Another chance

Sometimes I do really stupid things, like staying up all night before work, or releasing my frustration on people who only are trying to help. Yesterday was one of those days where I made decisions, only to regret them moments later. Having someone save our skin when we mess up is fantastic. People who really care and are willing to go the extra mile, even to save us from our own mistakes, are far between. God is often portrayed as being such a carachter, yet is He really someone we can trust? I mean, does He really make a difference, or does He just sit there somewhere watching us now and then from afar; if He exists at all that is.

Although I have a hard time believing that everything around me is here by chance, believing in God can seem as naïve as believing in Santa Claus. So I am torn, yet I need to decide, I cannot go through life without having made up my mind about the most fundamental question there is. I'd like to believe in God, I just don't feel I've experienced anything that cannot somehow be explained by other means. Today I decided to give God another chance. Believe it or not, I got what I asked for, I escaped the consequences of my erroneous decisions. On the other hand, it might just be a coinsidence. I did however tell God though, that if He came through I'd give Him another chance. So now I am. Although I may not be entirely certain what that may entail, I guess writing about it is my first step.

Change

Change is good, change is important. Although the familiar may be safe, safe isn't always enough. Little is accomplished without risk, and there is little contentment without accomplishment. Change can be a challenge, but it can also set us free. Sooner or later we need to break free from the mold, drop everything and start anew.

I'm moving next week, into the city, to London. Although moving is a big step I need change. I need to be free of people's expectations. I want a clean slate, a new start. Meeting people who have no preconseptions, a chance to remake me. Obviously I don't want to become someone I'm not, in fact I want the opposite. That is why I need to move. I need to be able to be myself, not the person everyone expects me to be. Have you ever noticed that you change according to who you are around? To some extent you become the person the people you are with believe you are.

A chance like this doesn't come around every day, even if it could I wouldn't want it to. Change can be painful; in fact, too much change is no better than none at all. Because of the magnitude and rarity of changes like this one I need to make sure I make the most of it, though. This leads me back to my discussion of decisions. Answers are often elusive; who knew it could be so difficult for me to make up my mind! I need to decide who I really am and who I want to become. Through the years my identity has been determined by who I chose to please. Pleasing people has been such a major part of my life, that without knowing it, it has dictated my personality. This has made me divided. I need to choose though, who am I?

As if this was not enough, the world is also divided. In fact the world is quite a bargain, many for the price of one. Which one do we choose? Growing up in a conservative home I am now faced with the daunting task of deciding which world I want. Do I hold onto what I have, or do I embrace the world "out there"? Although I thought I'd already made this decision, I have realised that this isn't the case. I still haven't chosen where I belong. Now, one week before I move, and the birth of the new me; I have yet to decide. Like it or not I need to make up my mind. If i don't now, I'll soon be forced to.

Decisions

We are constantly making decisions; life is all about making decisions. Making the right decisions isn't always easy though. Part of life will always be living with the consequences of decisions already made; some we regret, others we don't. Although decisions can be postponed, sooner or later we will arive at the crossroads, a decision is inevitable. The probability of regretting a decision tends to increase when decisions are rushed. Plan ahead, or live with the consequences.

At the moment I am at such a point in life. I've spent the past four months trying to make up my mind, but have yet to make a final decision. If I don't make up my mind soon though, I'll be forced to decide on the fly, and most likely live with regret. Time flies endlessly by, we need to stop, take a step back and spend the time necessary to figure things out. I will do so this week, I have to. Do you?

Live

life is a curious thing
sometimes we love it
sometimes we hate it
very few people feel they understand it
we all cling to it
untill one day we loose it
our most fundamental instinct is to preserve it
we tear others down to keep it
even the ones we love most must give way for it

how ironic that our effort is in vain
we seldom find what we look for

search for it
reach for it
cling to it
live with it
live it

Live