The 2009 Christmas Diaries III

Right now you may be thinking: "Christmas is long gone, along with my interest in reading these tiresome Christmas Diaries." Well for us students it is most definitely still Christmas, and given that New Year is still round the corner I'm hoping you'll cut me some slack.

New Year's resolutions have never been my forté. In fact, I have become so bad at keeping them that I have decided they are stupid. From time to time I do set my self goals, I suppose they are resolutions in a sense, yet I'm not usually that good at keeping them either. As I was writing The 2009 Christmas Diaries I, I firmly believed I'd write a blog entry a day - truly making a unit of Christmas entries. Well, you see the result in front of you, hardly very impressive. It is sad how easily we let ourselves down so often, even in more serious cases our resolve is often shamefully weak.

I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day at my aunt Gill's house together with most of my British half of the family. Spending time with family was great; especially catching up with my twenty month old cousin Kirsten, and my cousin Matt's three year old daughter Maddie. Little kids are great fun, and they have an innate ability to make everyone else more fun as well. Uncles, aunts and cousins all hade a great time playing with the toys we got the toddlers for Christmas; especially Rolf's rocket balloons were a great hit. Balloon proppelled cars and planes - you can only imagine...

True to my word I'll give you another chemistry titbit before the year runs out. Scientists have a talent for being delighted by the seemingly obvious; and devoted to making simple things complicated. Last year I had a presentation on how everyone should love quantum mechanics - because without it there would be no fireworks. Now, in truth fireworks we invented long before anyone even thought of quantum mechanics. Quantum theory didn't make fireworks possible, it just explains why fireworks flash in bright colours. Analogically scientists take great pleasure in explaining that we owe our lives to Chemical Kinetics. It is a fact that the human body in air is thermodynamically unstable - this is because the atoms in question are more stable in the form of ash, carbon dyoxide and water than the human body in air. This reaction is also exothermic, meaning that according to the laws of thermodynamics the human body should spontaneously burst into flames, producing heat. Luckily for us the reaction of the human body with oxygen is kinetically extremely slow. (Combined with the fact that our respiratory system increases the entropy of the universe, chemical kinetics preserves our lives.) As fireworks could not exist without Quantum Mechanics, we would not exist without Chemical Kinetics; or as the non-scientist would say: "Scientists have theories on why both humans and fireworks exist."

As this Christmas' chilché section has been a huge let down I'll spare you the agony of having to endure another torrid attempt - though I challenge you to make a New Year's Resolution that will significantly change your weekly routine and keep it up for at least a month.

The 2009 Christmas Diaries II

On of my courses this term has been Chemical Equilibria. I find there is something fascinating about equilibria. It's all about finding the right balance - in contrast to humans, this seems to be intrinsic to nature. In Chemistry there is a constant relationship between products and reactants at equilibrium, at set conditions (temperature, pressure etc.) Somehow the reaction will always give the same percentage yield - there is something natural about the equilibrium, in a sense it is the way it was meant to be. Though as with all equilibria, chemical equilibria can be manipulated by changing variables. As long as one knows what one is doing this is very useful, it is in fact the very foundation of chemical indusrry. In some cases it is very useful that equilibria are fragile, yet in other instances it can create serious problems. Nature is perhaps the best example of this. Though the environmental issues we face today are far more complex than a simple chemical reaction, the equilibria of nature are manipulated just as easily as the chemical reactions in industry.

Other equilibria are also easily disturbed. Relationships within a group of friends can be disturbed dramatically by the addition of another member. Friendships are highly dynamic and although we may not want our new friends to impact the relationships we already have, they tend to do so. Obviously this needn't be a bad thing - it just somehow seems that it often is. In our daily lives we are constantly juggling responsibilities, the natural equilibria of nature seem far away. How easy it is to overprioritize one thing, only to overcompensate later.


Christmas Cliché II: Prioritising work may seem important, but make sure it doesn't affect the things you care about the most. And remember, there's seldom a better time than the present, though the pastures of the future may look greener; you only live once!

The 2009 Christmas Diaries I

As the train left the centre of London behind I found myself engulfed in a British winter wonderland. The countryside actually looked rather idyllic clothed in white. The cottages and the rolling hills surrounding them reminded me of scenes from movies, all to rare in the real world. Snow doesn't usually settle in England, sure, there is usually a light snowfall one night close to New Year's Eve, but this was different. The coast of North Wales was considerably milder than the shocking cold London. I even went running with my brother yesterday, unsurprisingly not the most enjoyable experience ever - I felt like throwing up after the first hill... Oh, and on a lighter note - yesterday Fulham beat Manchester United, just thought I'd put that out there; now football results don't get much better than that.

Usually I spend my time at home in Wales lounging in bed engulfed in a novel, or staring at my computer screen; breakfast becomes a distant memory and 1 pm becomes the new 8 am. If I feel the need to eat more than one meal a day I'll have some ice cream or a couple of mince pies. Well, this Christmas that is all going to change (a pre-New Year resolution), not only has my brother decided to put me through a strict work-out regime; I have finals my first week back in January - and 3000 power point slides of notes to cover, in addition to the five last years worth of past papers. So, if I have to suffer - so should you. I'll be sharing some titbits of my studies in every blog this christmas, in addition to a very special christmas cliché.

One thing that has struck me this year is the extent to which science is dumbed down in order for students and other mere mortals to understand. I love the way atoms and molecules are personified and given titles such as chaperones. Humans seem to be the only things we can understand, so why try to pretend that everything is like us in order for us to understand. It's fair enough I guess, after all I do it myself all the time. In fear of boring my readers or indeed scaring you off after reading just one Christmas Chemistry Special, I have decided not to share the intricate delights of spectroscopy. Everyone loves histroy, hence the first Christmas Chemistry Special of 2009 is a brief insight into the scandalous history of modern science.

In 1904 the Austrian physicist Ludwig Boltzmann introduced the Boltzmann Distribution, which today is one of the cornerstones of understanding molecular systems. Many scientists refused to accept his work, however, and devoted their studies to disproving his theories. The attacks became so intense that in fear of his life's work collapsing on him Boltzmann comitted suicide just two years after publishing it; ironically his work was confirmed by experiment ahortly after his death.

Christmas Cliché I: Don't let any single thing become so important to you that if you loose it - you loose it all. (Don't put all your eggs in one basket)

a wake up call

I just had three of the worst hours in quite a while. Three hours filled by frustration, rage and humiliation. The spectroscopy workshop began well enough, untill one of the instructors led me down a path that brought on my foul mood. He suggested I use a formula which turned out to be pretty useless with regard to the question I was working on. Then, almost one hour later, still working on the same problem, I began repeatedly keying in the wrong numbers on my calculator. By this point the satisfactory sensation brought on by being way ahead of the people across the table from me had vanished entirely, not only because of my frustration, but because I was in fact no longer ahead. I had spent almost two hours solving four problems, out of a total of twelve. My professor kindly pointed out that an equivalent question to the one I had been struggling with would have been allotted approximately fifteen minutes for my exam. Clearly there was a problem. To add insult to injury, upon returning later he casually remarked that question six was in fact really easy, on a second glance he remarked "I don't know why I included that question, it is so easy." I'm sure he didn't realise that I had been staring at the question at loss for how to begin; at least I did as well as I could to make sure I was emitting an aura of confidence.

It is in fact incredible, how stupid and inferior a professor like Andrew de Mello can make you feel; one might almost assume his PhD was in intimidatory tactics. Despite my disheartening experience, I find myself upbeat. After all, one of my reasons for coming to Imperial was to discover that I'm not the most intelligent person around. It also reminds me that though my Christmas may not be white, it will most certainly be intellectually enriching...

what a waste

Being sick is such a waste of time. I've been stuck in my room since saturday morning, missed six lectures and one tutorial - which in itself might be the chance to have a blast; it hasn't been enjoyable though. As if that wasn't bad enough I feel really guilty about all the work I should have been doing. There are many pointless things in life, but sickness must be the most pointless of them all. Really being sick that is, "feeling ill" can be great as long as you feel bad enough not to have to do all the things you don't want to do anyway, while still being able to enjoy the things you don't get around to doing as often as you like. It's the perfect excuse, especially if you give it to someone you're not around - they'll never know that your illness isn't half as bad as it sounded in your text. Tomorrow I'm headed back to geek central though - one might safely say I have mixed feelings about the whole thing....

tea and crumpets

On my way to the library to hand back the two last books in the Roman series by Simon Scarrow; I couldn't help but laugh as I turned off Fulham Road. Through the large windows of the building I could see two middle aged men gazing at paintings of nude women which covered all four of the room's walls. Both men were carrying half full glases of dark red wine, casting superior glances around the room; one appeared to be the artist, the other a potential customer. The whole scene was so absurd though, as if from another planet, allthough I guess Chelsea is, in a sense, just that.

To all you Americans out there: Today I had tea for breakfast, and crumpets for tea - soon I'll be the living personification of your British stereotype...

life insurance

There's nothing like blogging to escape from studying.... It's the perfect excuse, might even qualify as being constructive. Today I've pretty much stayed in bed all day; trying to kill a bug I picked up a couple of days ago, before it gets too snug and comfortable. To be fair, being sick is another great excuse for mindlessly letting the day slip away. This is why I'm not giving myself too hard a time about having been unproductive today, though I did promise myself I'd spend a couple of hours working on my lab report. Fourty five minutes ago I finally got a grip, sat myself down at my desk in front of my computer, and got started. It didn't last long though, hence this post and all my excuses.

On Friday night I lay in bed with a pen, a pencil and a Bible. Hearing about Kirsten being killed in Micronesia made my most prominent issue with Christianity surface with a splash. Isn't God supposed to protect the people that work for Him? Among others, I read all the chapters that had protect in them, both from the NIV and ESV. To my surprise I was actually enjoying myself, I was reminded of why I chose to spend a year of my life studying theology - it almost made me miss it. Although Christians explain the pain in the world as being the work of evil, not of God, they do not deny that God has the power to intervene. This view, shared by the ancient Jews, but to a more radical extent, is evident in the Old Testament (2 Samuel 24, 1 Chronicles 21) where two authors telling the same story disagree on whether God or Satan instigated events. Bible critics love passages such as these; how could two passages which contradict each other so blatantly be inspired by the same God. Jews can live with the contradiction quite happily though, ancient Jews especiallt, they saw everything that happened as coming from God; simply because allowing something to happen essentially is the same as doing it yourself.

My experience is that Christians agree with Jews in principle, but complicate issues by giving God the credit for that which is good, and the devil for that which is evil. Perhaps subconciously they try to seperate God from evil, which creates an oversimplistic dynamic that comes back to haunt them. Either God is intricately involved in everything that happens, or He set things in motion and is now watching things play out. The problem with distancing God from evil is that you essentially are left with a God intricately involved in all good things, but who suddenly sits back looking on from afar when we discuss the hurt in our lives. My mother was killed by accident, Kirsten was killed with intent; yet an omnipotent God could have kept them both from dying. In ancient Jewish perspective God might as well have killed them. Although this may seem troubling, this is also what Christians believe, they are just too afraid to say it - one might claim they have every reason to be. In a way it is similar to a doctor consciously deciding not to treat a mortally wounded patient who could be saved. This is a painful image, how can parents forgive and learn to love this doctor, whose patient was their daughter; or a son forgive the doctor who chose not to save his mother? Christians may not like this potrayal of their all-loving God, yet I believe it is essential that they accept that this is exactly what they claim to believe in. By claiming that God is not directly responsible, they essentially state that he was not capable of intervening- what kind of a god is that? It most definitely is not the God of the Bible.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with my biblical study of protection. I think most Christians believe that God protects them - perhaps He does. But I couldn't find a single text that promised God would protect those that believe in Him. Christians may be confused and angry when God lets their loved ones die, but do they have any reason to be? Death, pain and suffering are facts of life on earth, when did God promise Christians preferential treatment?

brute life

Although I never knew Kirsten, I studied at the same university as her last year; hearing about her death really made me stop up and think. (http://news.adventist.org/2009/11/adventist-student-mi.html) I guess that's what death does best - stop life in its tracks. The brute realities of life sometimes makes existance seem rather pointless, at least my present existence. What difference am I really making? If I'm not making that much of a difference, am I at least enjoying life?? If my life neither creates hapiness for myself or others, it is rather pointless. Melancholy aside, tragedies like this one do put things into perspective. These past few days I've been reflecting on what I want with my life. Where do I want to go, and what do I want to do? I've decided I am going to start volunteering. I did sign up for an induction session to the volunteering society at Imperial, but it was fully booked, and I haven't given it much thought since. Even if my efforts shouldn't do others much good - at least I will be able to feel good about myself. And I really want to go travelling - maybe to Scotland...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A41eQNQEYE

cornered on the tube

Two men in dark suits stepped into my carridge of the circle line train while I was on my way to volleyball practice. I glanced twice at the second of the two men, trying to make out the writing on the badge he wore on his suit. I could make out "Jesus Christ" in bold white letters on the dark background, but no more. As if noticing my lingering glances he looked at me a couple of times; whilst I desperately tried to look away with a preoccupied frown. The last thing I needed now was for this guy to decide that I was the perfect prey for his outreach program. Desperately, I tried to look calm, as if oblivious to my suroundings with the music from my MP3 player buzzing in my ears. Although I was staring at the tube map, spread across the wall of the carridge I saw him look at me again, out of the corner of my eye. Then it happened, as I had dreaded, he motioned toward me, getting his companion's attention. Discreetly the other man turned his head and shot a glance in my direction; I might not have noticed had he not already been the focus of my attention. I was praying for the train to arrive at my stop, but before I'd even finsished that though, the man took a couple of steps toward me - his intentions were clear. I took the left earplug out of my ear and braced myself for the inevitable "are you saved?"

Instead his asked me "do you play for imperial?" I was caught entirely off guard as I stammered a yes of some sort or other. It turned out that they had been looking in my direction because of my imperial college shorts, kneepad and tyrifjord volleyball klubb jacket with its norwegian logo; one of the two men was norwegian, and the other played volleyball - sometimes things aren't as they seem.

words fail me

So this is my third attempt at writing a blog post this evening. It's strange how sometimes words just dry up and refuse to present themselves the way they usually do. It's not that I haven't experienced anything. Today alone I've stuck my nose in a thick layer of fat on top of my microwaved milk that for some reason just wouldn't run into my mouth; I've ENJOYED running, only to be hampered by the the feeling of shin splints lurking in my legs. I saw a perfect reflection of the bridge over the serpentine (unlike the picture above it was at night), and I saw a duck dive into the river never to reappear. I've also had a great talk with one of the coolest people ever over skype, washed clothes, and even done some studying. Now that should be plenty to write about, yet you're stuck with this - tough luck.

far from here

Having written about how great the weather has been yesterday - today was prettey much bound to be a lousy day. The sky is a heavy, depressing grey, and everything is wet. As I walked back from uni the drizzle turned into a proper shower, the downpour began as I turned onto Roland Gardens - so I increased my stride leaving the beat of "Time is a Runaway" by The Alternate Routes, behind. It didn't help, though; I was soaked by the time I got back to my room.

Today made me think of Alissa Moreno's song "Far from here." The song is basically about looking to the future in order to make it through the present. Hope for the future is a great motivational factor, yet is it enough? We're consumed with looking forward to things - letting what the future holds dictate the mood of the present. Kids look forward to getting older so that they can stay up later, teens look forward to getting their license, students look forward to graduating, I could go on. By waiting for the future, we deprive ourselves of the present.

Although I recognise the carefree joys of childhood, and the excitement of professional life; students have the best of both worlds. I'm old enough to do basically whatever I like, yet I'm young enough to behave like a kid without having anyone judge me too harshly. I'm going to make the most of my time as a student - instead of constantly wishing I was far from here.

autumn paradise

I love autumn!

Now that's quite a statement, especially coming from a chronic melancholic. As I walked to uni today, along the road where I saw the Indian president and her entourage, I found myself wading through oak leaves. There is something very special about wading, I can't quite explain it. Wading in leaves is kind of like wading in water, which is also very nice. After my last lecture, which finished at 12, I walked through Hyde Park on my way to the Kensington Central Library. I felt happy, truly happy deep down. Perhaps it was because I had no labs today and could leave early. Or maybe it was because I had understood everything in the lecture, and was left feeling really good about myself. It may have been because of the crisp clear air and faint breeze that prickled my face, while the rest of my body was snuggled down in my jacket; which today wasn't too hot, because of the lower temperature. Also, the sky was completely clear, and I could almost feel the blue colour in the distance. Most likely it was a combination of all these things, and a few more.

This experience may not seem at all significant to you, but to me it was amazing. Feeling utterly content is a rare feeling in my world, probably because I think too much. Today was perfect. As I entered Kensington Gardens I could see the Albert Memorial framed by a row of golden oak trees on both sides of a wide expance of grass, where we had played halls football a couple of weeks ago. I turned left towards High Street Kensington and waded on through the leaves scattered along the path. You can argue the case for pine trees as much as you like, but in my world deciduous trees win any day. That's one of the things I love about England; there are so many old majestic trees, many of which seem to have found their way to Hyde Park.

I can't ever remember liking autumn before. I associate autumn with mud, cold and the colour grey - none of which are particularly endearing. Normally autumn in London would probably be much like the autumns I've already experienced. Rain and bad weather is often associated with London, especially during the autumn months. I've lived in London for a month now, and I have yet to buy an umbrella; I think that must be some sort of a record. The reason for not buying one isn't merely that I am stingy either; in fact I can only remember needing one on two occasions this past month... I dare say my luck is about to run out - but for as long as it lasts I'll make sure I am enjoying my awesome autumn.

The irrational shack

This afternoon I began reading The Shack by William Young. I've only read ninety pages or so, so I don't want to recommend the book yet, but I must confess it is intriguing. The novel, which claims to also be a true story, describes Mack's encounter with God in the shack. Mack's youngest daughter is killed by a serial killer, and the book deals with his struggle to cope with what he's been through. I find that what's most difficult to believe in regarding God is his existance. The belief in God seems absurd - uncomfortably similar to the grown up version of Santa Claus. One might claim that this is because we are brainwashed by popular culture, though in order to percieve the belief in God as rational I experience that one must be brainwashed to another extreme. However brainwashing has never sat too well with me. If you can put yourself in my shoes for a minute you may understand why the following paragraph grabbed my attention.

"There are times when you choose to believe something that would normally be considered absolutely irrational. It doesn't mean that it is actually irrational, but it surely is not rational. Perhaps there is a superationality; reason beyond the normal definitions of fact or data-based logic; something that only makes sense if you can see a bigger picture of reality. Maybe that is where faith fits in."

The scientist in me is not comfortable with believing in the irrational. Yet is embrasing the irrational any worse than ignoring the issue? I am also left asking myself whether I truly want the universe to be rational, in a way I think I might just prefer that it isn't.

seedless grapes; what a rip-off

After my last lecture yesterday afternoon I decided I'd walk to North Kensington Library. The Chelsea Library didn't have the next book in Simon Scarrow's series, and I wanted to read the book on the train to Canterbury tomorrow - so I decided I'd make trip of it. Now, obviously I could have taken the bus or the tube, but being stingy and felling up for the exercise I trudged off, although I didn't really know exactly where I was going. I headed north off campus and through Hyde Park, before I took a left and started walking down a broad residential street. Both pavements and the street between them were covered in some sort of sandy tarmac. It was hard and smooth, but not black, giving the street a slightly exotic feel. Along both sides there were large, impressive detatched houses behind locked gates. I quickly realised that I was walking down the main embassy street in London, and my heart gave a strange jolt as I recognised the Royal Norwegian Embassy. As I walked down the long street the houses just got bigger and more imposing, especially the Japanese embassy was quite impressive. When I finally got to the end of the street I made a left onto a busy road lined with shops on both sides. The contrast was striking, although still in the West-End this road had none of the majestic feeling about it. I had to pop into an estate agent to get redirected towards the library, where I ended up borrowing the three next Simon Scarrow books, not just the one. By this time I was hot, and I'd resorted to carrying my jacket over my arm. I knew I needed to to some shopping, but due to the fact that I was now three miles away from halls I didn't want to buy anything just yet - untill I stumbled upon the Portobello Road market. I ended up bying six oranges and a huge bunch of green grapes, which I munched on more or less continuously while negotiating my way back to halls.

I stopped to rest and eat some more grapes in Kensington Gardens, the west end of Hyde Park, and found myself in a reflective mood. As I left the library I'd decided I wouldn't listen to music on my way back, which meant I actually had the opertunity to think. If I'd known that the grapes I bought weren't seedless, I probably wouldn't have bought them, but in hindsight I'm glad I did. I was sitting on the bench eating my grapes, as I began to bite off half of the grapes, suck out the seeds, and spit them out. Normally I'd just swallow them, but for some reason I decided not to, they don't exactly add to the flavour. All of a sudden it struck me, that from the vine's perspective I was missing the point entirely. The vine only makes the grape in order to spread its seeds. Performing hormone treatment to make seedless grapes is really quite rude; I mean, we still get the grapes, but the vine that does all the work is ripped off. The grape is there to protect the seeds, and to be eaten, so that the seeds will be spread as the animal eating the grape disposes of them - quite ingenious really. This all made me think of how we sometimes miss the point. Like if someone throws away a present, but saves the wrapping paper.

On Friday I also talked to Ms Sandanandan, the Undergraduate Academic Administrar of the Chemistry Department. I told her that I wouldn't attend late afternoon Friday lectures because of my religious convictions. Well, as I've written earlier, my religious convictions are ever so slightly in termoil at the moment. Despite this I decided I wasn't prepared to go to letures. Since talking to Ms Sandanandan it has struck me how I've always maltreated the Sabbath, and still do. Living in a religious bubble most of my life I've often taken it for granted. This week-end I've be thinking. What justifies my claim not to attend lectures on Friday nights, not to play volleyball competitively on Saturdays? I might say that I don't see anything wrong with playing recreational sports on the Sabbath, or hanging out with friends, even spending time with family; but do these things justify skipping lectures, or telling my employer that I can't come in to work? After all, I don't tell my lecturers that I'll be missing their lectures because I want to spend time with my family, or because I want to read a novel; that quite simply won't do. I don't tell them that I won't be able to make it because I need to catch up on some sleep either. Yet often these are the things we spend our Sabbaths doing. We eat the grape, but spit out the seeds; we accept the part of God's gift that we like, and spit out the rest. Despite shunning legalism, Sabbath keeping seems to be all about what we can't do; but do the things we do justify our time off? Either I need to decide to keep the Sabbath properly, or give up my lame excuse for a day off.

attitude of an eagle

I was born into a family of books. Whenever my parents or my brother had time to spare they'd bury themselves in some novel. I'd often wander between them nagging for them to play. I mean, who'd sit still reading a book, if they could play instead? With time I learnt to appreciate books as well; some might say I had no choice. Looking back over the past six or seven years I realise how easily I forget how great books can be though. Because of all the textbooks I have had to read, I haven't wanted to pleasure read much. Although reading novels differs greatly from reading textbooks, it's still reading. There comes a point when your brain and your muscles tell you they have had enough - or too little respectively. On Tuesday I picked up The Eagle and the Wolves from the Chelsea Library, the fourth book in Simon Scarrow's bestselling series. I read the three first books summer. I'd only stopped reading them because I was unable to find the next book in the series at the local library in Norway. Despite the fact that I had to write a lab report this week, which has taken me far too long; I have spent a great number of hours over the last couple of days plowing through the book. I don't think I put the book down once becuase I was tired of it, every time I did, it was because I had to.

A recurring theme in The Eagle and the Wolves is the importance of morale. Even when facing certain death, the centurions Macro and Cato are forced to remain positive. The power of positive thinking is emphacised again and again. Unless we believe we can accomplish something we seldom do.

When I graduated from school in Norway, one of the things I left behind was the knowledge of that complaining could be uplifting. Many of my friends told me of how they had come to really appreciate my cynical sarcastic sense of humor. Despite this, I have also come to realise the importance of positive thinking. Intimately connected to this is the fact that we enjoy what we are good at. I hated physics for the majority of my last year in Norway, but towards the end, when I began to get to grips with the material, I was able to see why others enjoyed it. One would have thought that I'd learned my lesson, but you can't win them all though, right?? After last week's lab on thin layer chromatography I was utterly demoralised. I hated chemistry labs. I've never been a big fan of labriatory classes, usually they are a complete waste of time. And they sure do consume time!!! They munch it up like bitesized chocolate chip cookies... Well, anyway, last week I did not understand much of what we were doing. On the first day my lab partner and I didn't finish on time and we were both really stressed out. I've tried to sit down with my report all week, but things didn't really fall into place until today. Having read multiple web-pages, journals and books I am now beginning to feel that I understand what I'm working with - it's a really good feeling, trust me. The thing I like the most about teaching is seeing when my students get it; I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to finally understand something myself!

Although wallowing in self pity often produces a strange soothing sensation; it doesn't get much done. The mind is an amazing thing, we so seldom utilize its power effectively. If you feel like you need to get to grips with things though - brainwashing yourself will usually do the trick! Don't forget good old Tom.

time is overrated

The clock is ticking, but time is standing still....

My friend told me that her clock had stopped working - but it was still ticking. From time to time, we all want time to stand still. There is quite simply too much to do, and too little time.

My volleyball coach at the university wants me to join another team he coaches, London Lynx. The Lynx play in the English Premier Division, so this is quite an opertunity for me to improve. Practice is all about improving, but it is so much easier to improve if you are playing with people that are better than you. This is the case in all areas of life, it's one of the reasons I wanted to move to London and study at Imperial. Today I was supposed to bring £27 and two photos of me to practice. That was what my coach needed in order to register me for the Premier Division. Well, this moring came, but I still didn't have the money or the pictures. I got up a little before 11 am so that I could get free breakfast in the Willis Jackson common room. Practice begins at 12, and it takes 20 minutes to walk to the Ethos centre, so I figured I'd have enough time to get the cash and have the pictures taken on the way. I didn't leave my room untill 11.35, and somehow the picture booth I was convinced I had seen in the tube station, had vanished. Well, that was inconvenient, most inconsiderate considering the fact that I didn't have the time for this. I ran back to a photo shop where I knew I could get the pictures taken; but time was racing by - and the shop owner was not. He was dealing with the customers ahead of me so slowly, it almost seemed as if it was all planned as a cruel joke. Now, I must add that being late to volleyball practice is slightly more serious than it sounds. My coach hates people being late, and makes a show of demanding five push-ups for every minute you come late. Those of you that know me well realise that I am rather lazy, and not the biggest fan of push-ups around. Although I wanted to tell the shop-keeper to hurry up, I was able to restrain myself; settling with casting impatient glances at the clock on my mobile phone. As my pictures were printed out, I got ready to pay, only to realise that the guy was getting ready to carefully cut out the pictures, removing the white frame around them. I couldn't believe it! As I left the shop it was already past twelve and I still had to run from South Kensington Station to Ethos. One of my natural abilities I treasure the most, is being able to sneak around and seem inconspicuous, despite my height; arriving at least ten minutes late, I was somehow able to evade the fifty looming push-ups. In the end I didn't even need the pictures, I won't be able to register untill tuesday.

When I was in the picture shop I wished time would stand still. I wished life would go on, and leave time behind. I wished life would keep on ticking, without any clocks in the world moving. Time is something we all wish we have more of. I'm halfway to fourty, and my life has barely started!!! Yes you guessed right, time for a cliché. But seriously, if there was more time, we'd just make more plans - we'd be just as busy, we'd still be wishing we had more time. Besides, we don't want to give up the best excuse ever, now do we? "sorry, I don't have the time."

ice-cream is cold

- My feet are really cold.
- I could put on some socks.
- Clothes get dirty when you wear them, do you really want to wash clothes?
- I'm craving the chocolate ice cream I've got in the freezer.
- My feet are really cold.
- Then put on some socks and go get your ice cream!!!

Above is a pretty accurate picture of the way my brain sometimes works. I have now finished my ice cream - I have a nice little brown dot on my white shirt to prove it. Isn't it strange how a new factor can convince us to do something we've been putting off all day? There is something about putting socks on, something I cannot quite describe. When I have the day off and I'm not planning on going outside, I rarely put socks on. I only wear socks if I really have to - like if I'm going to put shoes on, or if I'm going to be around people.

Personalities are complicated, my personality is actually quite paradoxical. I love having deep, probing discussions about things that are important to me; yet I am surprisingly introverted. I've come to realise that it's way easier to open up to strangers, that to someone I already know. I guess that's probably because if you make a fool of yourself in front of a stranger, it really doesn't matter, because more likely than not you'll never see that person again. One of the few times I actually talked to the person next to me on a plane I received the full fledged love story of a sixty year old woman who was flying to Spain to meet her new boyfriend. She told me all about how her first marriage had gone wrong, and that she had been convinced there would be no more love in her life. All that had changed though, it was never to late. She was madly in love - and hoped everyone could have the same experience as her. This woman is probably the reason I haven't talked to anyone on a plane since. The problem with talking to people on planes is that if the person next to you turns out to be a nutcase, you can't really move. You're stuck with that person for the rest of the trip. You can't really start reading a book, listening to music or try to fall alseep while some person is talking to you either. Nonetheless for good or bad, you'll most likely never see that person again; so talking about personal issues really isn't that uncomfortable.

Now, opening up to someone who's going to see you pretty much every day is completely different. That person will now know something about you that not everyone else knows. All of a sudden you feel vulnerable. Well, no pain, no gain - right? Anonymous blogging really isn't that hard, no one knows who you are, so you can write more or less whatever you want. Hopefully the link to this blog on my facebook page won't change the way I write. If it changes the way people look at me - well I guess I'll have to live with that, at least they'll know who I really am.

fresher citations and other geeky tendencies

For the second year running I am a fresher. No, I didn't fail my freshman year in the States, but I am officially a dropout; a fact I somehow failed to tell my new university - Imperial College. Once again I am living the highs and the lows of the fresher experience, although the fact that I've already "been there, and done that" and that I am older than everyone else; I am purposefully experiencing a bit less than some of my fellow classmates. During my freshman year in the States I had to go through the painstaking ordeal of learning how to make citations in different formats under the perfectionistic, eagle-like Dr Leatherman. Now, at Imperial College in London, I have discovered the joys of Endnote. Endnote is a lifesaver, a grade-saver at the very least. It automatically imports sources from online journals, saves them in databases, and exports them to Microsoft Word in the format of you choice, amazing. Though my second freshman year may be more challenging in some ways, wrestling with citations will be the least of my worries.

Alright, so I guess it is about time I admitted that I am a geek. As I was sitting in lab today drawing this molecule (and enjoying it) I realised that most people probably wouldn't be fascinated by chemdraw to the extent that I was. Now, having said that, I wasn't exactly jumbing up and down in my seat, but I did enjoy it none the less. Also, I must make it entirely clear that I am far from being among the worst. Since I began studying at Imperial College I have seen my fair share of science geeks. After all, a university of 13000 undergraduates, which only offers degrees in science, technology and medicine, is bound to have an unusually high proportion of nutcases. In fact one might argue that the atmosphere resembles that of the TV-show Eureka. Once again, I feel the need to reassure both myself and my readers that I do not follow Eureka, however hard you might find that to believe. The reason why I decided to write about this in the first place is that I tend to distance myself from the average geek. Usually I am annoyed by people who are overly fascinated by a subject to the extent that they are unable not to talk about it. Please don't misunderstand, I still do find this annoying. I still find myself shaking my head at some of my fellow students' questions and topics of conversation; not to mention "extracurricular activities." Yet my fascination with Chemdraw was a wake up call nonetheless. To some extent I guess I am a geek; I am OK with that. Yet despite this I must be careful, lest my personality should slip and slide - just like my accent.

cooking

Today I cooked my first meal. I guess, having lived in London for a week now, it was about time. I share my kitchen with four other people, which has been no problem at all, so far. The kitchen is nice enough I guess, it is rather small though; though as long as only one or two of us wants to cook at once we'll be fine. The most annoying thing about the size of our kitchen is the amount of cupboard space we have. My cupboard isn't big enough to fit my frying pan or my chopping board for instance. This means that my cupboard gets really full and disorganized, and that I need to keep some of my cooking equipment in my bedroom.

I guess it's rather ironic that the times I've felt the least like cooking, is when I've had to. I guess it makes sense that something is less enjoyable when you have to do it. Somehow everything seems more enjoyable when you have the opertunity to do it, in contrast to not having a choice. Tom Sawyer's fence springs to mind. Mark Twain illustrates this phenomena so well; the power of attitude. Being able to choose makes everything so much more attractive - in the third world kids actually love school. Also, we attain far higher standards when we enjoy what we are doing. Someone who wants to learn an instrument will practice far more intently than those who practice merely in meet their parents' expectations. In school we work hader in subjects we enjoy, we also perform better in classes taught by teachers of professors we like and respect. Likewise, those who truly love their deighty serve him or her more fervently than those who do so in order to fulfill a requirement. This is why legalism is so dangerous, it will never produce true worship; this can only be obtained through love.

the second chance - at last

Today I watched Second Chance starring Michael W Smith. I don't really know what I think of it. First of all I must confess that when it comes to watching movies I am rather naïve, I'll fall for and enjoy almost any story line. So when watching the movie I wasn't really that critical. Although the plot is ever so slightly cliche, and the acting isn't the best I've ever seen - it was actually OK. As religious movies go it was actually quite enjoyable. The plot is predictable, but as long as you try not to think too much, you'll be OK. I must say though, that the message of the film is a good one, it runs along the same lines as "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. Although I find the song by Casting Crowns more compelling, Michael W and the crew do a decent job as well.

You may be wondering where I heard of the movie in the first place. Those of you that know me realise that in general I don't like Christian tv-shows or movies, such as 7th Heaven. Actually, I found the picture in this post while searching for something quite different. I was looking for an illustration of one of my earlier posts. This leads me to the second part of this blog "at last." Today I actually took a stand. Though most of you must be sick of hearing about my inability to make up my mind, I must add just one more thing. Today I walked over to my volleyball coach and told him about my situation. I don't know what he was thinking, but it turned out OK in the end, he even asked me to join another team he coaches... Now obviously this doesn't mean that I've made up my mind about everything ;p there is still a long way to go, yet I cannot help but feel relieved that I finally made up my mind about which road to take - and that I ended up taking a right.

past or present, insight or bliss

Earlier I wrote that I needed a clean slate, a chance to invent a new me. Over the past few weeks I have begun to realise that there is little point in running from your past; it runs faster than you think. However far you go, sooner or later your past will catch up with you. Rather than leaving my past behind, I have discovered that I must learn to live with my past. I don't need to let the past determine my future, but I must deal with it nonetheless; the good as the bad.

Whether you believe the bible to be fact or fiction, one of the greatest stories of perseverence and devotion ever written is the story of Joseph. Despite being sold as a slave by his own brothers, being thrown in prison by his master who he had served impeccably, and being forgotten in prison by a man he had helped when in distress; Joseph still found the strength to carry on somewhere. The story potreys god as his source of refuge, his source of strength.

As a child I found the term "traumatic childhood" intriguing for some reason, almost to the extent that I wished I could claim that I had one. Well, some years later I remembered this when filling out a form asking whether or not I had had a traumatic childhood. I no longer knew what to answer. My mother, the person closest to me in the world, had been killed by a car when crossing the road a few years earlier. I could claim to have had a traumatic childhood, but it brought me no joy. I value the perseverence of Joseph, that he stayed true to god despite his hardship, and that with god's help some good could come as a result of all the horrific treatment he had received. Joseph's fortune later in life does not justify the torment of his youth, yet when he already had been sold as a slave he chose to make the most of it despite the bleak prospects. This is an attitude I admire, is there proof it comes from god though?

On multiple occasions I have told groups about how god is able to make the most of whatever the situation, yet can we not do this ourselves? After all, it is all about having the right attitude, the strength to fight on despite our situation. I attributed my ability to live on after the death of my mother to god, it was natural to do so; yet looking back, do I know he gave me the strength or may the strength have come from my belief in him? There is a difference, the first is based on the fact that god exists, the second takes no stand as to whether god exists or not. I guess the reason I began contemplating this was that I recognised that many others experience similar tragedies to mine; they live on, yet they do not necessarily belive in god. I wish I could thank god for everything he has done for me, but how can I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has done anything for me at all. Belief is bliss. Uncertainty is torment. Yet I would choose painful insight over blind bliss any day.

volleyball and the tube

Whoever said that university life was hectic, sure is right. Add the buzz of a metropolitan capital to that and you've got my first week so far. Yesterday was the day i treated myself to the pizza hut buffet, which was nice enough, but also reminded me that stuffing oneself full of greasy food is rather gross. (By the way, gross is a word that makes me think of what the word describes just by looking at it; who came up with that spelling????) I also went to my first Imperial College volleyball practice last night. The gym in Wilson House was pretty crowded, but it was still great to be playing again! Half-way through the practice I was told that I hade made the team, which is great, but which also brings me to this next issue. You may remember that I wrote about taking a stand for what you believe in and living up to the consequences a few weeks ago. I also wrote that I needed to make my mind up about some core issues before I began studying; well, I didn't really. As I had predicted I was forced to decide last night. Sly as I am I managed to sneak away and evade the problem, but I'm going to have to face it, VERY soon.

At the freshers fair I realised that the people I had been looking for, the kind of people I want to get to know can be found in Imperial's clubs and societies. Having common interests is a great way to start off stimulating relationships. I guess it's kind of obvious that I'd find these people in the societies I am interested in joing. Obviously friendships are based on more than merely having things in common; some of the people i find the most annoying have one or more of the same interests as me. A place full of people with my passions and hobbies is a great place to start looking though.

After volleyball practice fate had something very specific in store for me. I experienced being stuck in the tube for almost an hour. Although this was really inconvenient and annoying, especially since I had to walk all the way home, I guess it's one of those things you just need to experience whilst in London. Because of the delay on the train I also got to know Owen and Pro from volleyball. I actually ended up showing Pro the way back to Imperial since we were forced to get off the underground earlier than we had planned (good deed of the day). Cyprus has been my dream vacation destination for years, so making a Cypriot friend comes in at a good second place.

catching up

Wow, it is far too long since I last wrote! So much has happened, I don't know where to start. Most importantly my trip to Austria was a great success, other than the fact that I picked up some bug and had to tour Salzburg with a fever. I've also moved in to my new room in London. London is both amazing and intimidating, as is my new university.

Before I forget, or decide not to write this after all, I must confess that despite my ridiculously high self-esteem, I am an idiot. If I ever try to tell you that I am really intelligent, or if I go rambling on about how great I am at pretty much everything, then remind me of this. Today I got lost, I mean really lost. Having bragged about my sense of direction yesterday, my ego got a well deserved slap as I blindly walked in circles trying to find my way back to my hall. To make matters worse I couldn't ask anyone for help either, obviously, that would simply be too embarrassing. The two times I did get my act together and ask for help I was told that I was heading in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go, and red-faced forced to turn around and try again. In order for both you and I to understand which way I should go next time I am posting a street map of the area ;p





















My hall is at location A, you can see Imperial College at the top of the map. How hard can it be, right?

it's really happening....

Today I wrote instructions for my successor, cleared my desk and said my goodbyes - I am officially finished teaching!! For now. Finishing teaching is the beginning of moving on. Leaving the safe and sound to challenge the world. Two days from now I'll be sitting on a plane bound for Munich. Somehow or other I'll have to get from the airport to some place out in the middle of who knows where, in Austria. Finally my basic German skills will be put to the test. From there I fly to London, where I'll be moving in to my new room, with my new room mate, at my new university; it's really happening.

Although teaching has been OK, and despite the fact that I feel I've actually made a contribution to the lives of people I care about, being finished is a relief. Now I can just lie back and enjoy my last few days in Norway. Change is good. Change is exciting. Change is happening right here, right now. Adventure is important. If you don't have much excitement in your life I challenge you; I challenge you to get out of your comfort zone and live once in a while.

Another chance

Sometimes I do really stupid things, like staying up all night before work, or releasing my frustration on people who only are trying to help. Yesterday was one of those days where I made decisions, only to regret them moments later. Having someone save our skin when we mess up is fantastic. People who really care and are willing to go the extra mile, even to save us from our own mistakes, are far between. God is often portrayed as being such a carachter, yet is He really someone we can trust? I mean, does He really make a difference, or does He just sit there somewhere watching us now and then from afar; if He exists at all that is.

Although I have a hard time believing that everything around me is here by chance, believing in God can seem as naïve as believing in Santa Claus. So I am torn, yet I need to decide, I cannot go through life without having made up my mind about the most fundamental question there is. I'd like to believe in God, I just don't feel I've experienced anything that cannot somehow be explained by other means. Today I decided to give God another chance. Believe it or not, I got what I asked for, I escaped the consequences of my erroneous decisions. On the other hand, it might just be a coinsidence. I did however tell God though, that if He came through I'd give Him another chance. So now I am. Although I may not be entirely certain what that may entail, I guess writing about it is my first step.

Change

Change is good, change is important. Although the familiar may be safe, safe isn't always enough. Little is accomplished without risk, and there is little contentment without accomplishment. Change can be a challenge, but it can also set us free. Sooner or later we need to break free from the mold, drop everything and start anew.

I'm moving next week, into the city, to London. Although moving is a big step I need change. I need to be free of people's expectations. I want a clean slate, a new start. Meeting people who have no preconseptions, a chance to remake me. Obviously I don't want to become someone I'm not, in fact I want the opposite. That is why I need to move. I need to be able to be myself, not the person everyone expects me to be. Have you ever noticed that you change according to who you are around? To some extent you become the person the people you are with believe you are.

A chance like this doesn't come around every day, even if it could I wouldn't want it to. Change can be painful; in fact, too much change is no better than none at all. Because of the magnitude and rarity of changes like this one I need to make sure I make the most of it, though. This leads me back to my discussion of decisions. Answers are often elusive; who knew it could be so difficult for me to make up my mind! I need to decide who I really am and who I want to become. Through the years my identity has been determined by who I chose to please. Pleasing people has been such a major part of my life, that without knowing it, it has dictated my personality. This has made me divided. I need to choose though, who am I?

As if this was not enough, the world is also divided. In fact the world is quite a bargain, many for the price of one. Which one do we choose? Growing up in a conservative home I am now faced with the daunting task of deciding which world I want. Do I hold onto what I have, or do I embrace the world "out there"? Although I thought I'd already made this decision, I have realised that this isn't the case. I still haven't chosen where I belong. Now, one week before I move, and the birth of the new me; I have yet to decide. Like it or not I need to make up my mind. If i don't now, I'll soon be forced to.

Decisions

We are constantly making decisions; life is all about making decisions. Making the right decisions isn't always easy though. Part of life will always be living with the consequences of decisions already made; some we regret, others we don't. Although decisions can be postponed, sooner or later we will arive at the crossroads, a decision is inevitable. The probability of regretting a decision tends to increase when decisions are rushed. Plan ahead, or live with the consequences.

At the moment I am at such a point in life. I've spent the past four months trying to make up my mind, but have yet to make a final decision. If I don't make up my mind soon though, I'll be forced to decide on the fly, and most likely live with regret. Time flies endlessly by, we need to stop, take a step back and spend the time necessary to figure things out. I will do so this week, I have to. Do you?

Live

life is a curious thing
sometimes we love it
sometimes we hate it
very few people feel they understand it
we all cling to it
untill one day we loose it
our most fundamental instinct is to preserve it
we tear others down to keep it
even the ones we love most must give way for it

how ironic that our effort is in vain
we seldom find what we look for

search for it
reach for it
cling to it
live with it
live it

Live