past or present, insight or bliss

Earlier I wrote that I needed a clean slate, a chance to invent a new me. Over the past few weeks I have begun to realise that there is little point in running from your past; it runs faster than you think. However far you go, sooner or later your past will catch up with you. Rather than leaving my past behind, I have discovered that I must learn to live with my past. I don't need to let the past determine my future, but I must deal with it nonetheless; the good as the bad.

Whether you believe the bible to be fact or fiction, one of the greatest stories of perseverence and devotion ever written is the story of Joseph. Despite being sold as a slave by his own brothers, being thrown in prison by his master who he had served impeccably, and being forgotten in prison by a man he had helped when in distress; Joseph still found the strength to carry on somewhere. The story potreys god as his source of refuge, his source of strength.

As a child I found the term "traumatic childhood" intriguing for some reason, almost to the extent that I wished I could claim that I had one. Well, some years later I remembered this when filling out a form asking whether or not I had had a traumatic childhood. I no longer knew what to answer. My mother, the person closest to me in the world, had been killed by a car when crossing the road a few years earlier. I could claim to have had a traumatic childhood, but it brought me no joy. I value the perseverence of Joseph, that he stayed true to god despite his hardship, and that with god's help some good could come as a result of all the horrific treatment he had received. Joseph's fortune later in life does not justify the torment of his youth, yet when he already had been sold as a slave he chose to make the most of it despite the bleak prospects. This is an attitude I admire, is there proof it comes from god though?

On multiple occasions I have told groups about how god is able to make the most of whatever the situation, yet can we not do this ourselves? After all, it is all about having the right attitude, the strength to fight on despite our situation. I attributed my ability to live on after the death of my mother to god, it was natural to do so; yet looking back, do I know he gave me the strength or may the strength have come from my belief in him? There is a difference, the first is based on the fact that god exists, the second takes no stand as to whether god exists or not. I guess the reason I began contemplating this was that I recognised that many others experience similar tragedies to mine; they live on, yet they do not necessarily belive in god. I wish I could thank god for everything he has done for me, but how can I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has done anything for me at all. Belief is bliss. Uncertainty is torment. Yet I would choose painful insight over blind bliss any day.

Change

Change is good, change is important. Although the familiar may be safe, safe isn't always enough. Little is accomplished without risk, and there is little contentment without accomplishment. Change can be a challenge, but it can also set us free. Sooner or later we need to break free from the mold, drop everything and start anew.

I'm moving next week, into the city, to London. Although moving is a big step I need change. I need to be free of people's expectations. I want a clean slate, a new start. Meeting people who have no preconseptions, a chance to remake me. Obviously I don't want to become someone I'm not, in fact I want the opposite. That is why I need to move. I need to be able to be myself, not the person everyone expects me to be. Have you ever noticed that you change according to who you are around? To some extent you become the person the people you are with believe you are.

A chance like this doesn't come around every day, even if it could I wouldn't want it to. Change can be painful; in fact, too much change is no better than none at all. Because of the magnitude and rarity of changes like this one I need to make sure I make the most of it, though. This leads me back to my discussion of decisions. Answers are often elusive; who knew it could be so difficult for me to make up my mind! I need to decide who I really am and who I want to become. Through the years my identity has been determined by who I chose to please. Pleasing people has been such a major part of my life, that without knowing it, it has dictated my personality. This has made me divided. I need to choose though, who am I?

As if this was not enough, the world is also divided. In fact the world is quite a bargain, many for the price of one. Which one do we choose? Growing up in a conservative home I am now faced with the daunting task of deciding which world I want. Do I hold onto what I have, or do I embrace the world "out there"? Although I thought I'd already made this decision, I have realised that this isn't the case. I still haven't chosen where I belong. Now, one week before I move, and the birth of the new me; I have yet to decide. Like it or not I need to make up my mind. If i don't now, I'll soon be forced to.