past or present, insight or bliss

Earlier I wrote that I needed a clean slate, a chance to invent a new me. Over the past few weeks I have begun to realise that there is little point in running from your past; it runs faster than you think. However far you go, sooner or later your past will catch up with you. Rather than leaving my past behind, I have discovered that I must learn to live with my past. I don't need to let the past determine my future, but I must deal with it nonetheless; the good as the bad.

Whether you believe the bible to be fact or fiction, one of the greatest stories of perseverence and devotion ever written is the story of Joseph. Despite being sold as a slave by his own brothers, being thrown in prison by his master who he had served impeccably, and being forgotten in prison by a man he had helped when in distress; Joseph still found the strength to carry on somewhere. The story potreys god as his source of refuge, his source of strength.

As a child I found the term "traumatic childhood" intriguing for some reason, almost to the extent that I wished I could claim that I had one. Well, some years later I remembered this when filling out a form asking whether or not I had had a traumatic childhood. I no longer knew what to answer. My mother, the person closest to me in the world, had been killed by a car when crossing the road a few years earlier. I could claim to have had a traumatic childhood, but it brought me no joy. I value the perseverence of Joseph, that he stayed true to god despite his hardship, and that with god's help some good could come as a result of all the horrific treatment he had received. Joseph's fortune later in life does not justify the torment of his youth, yet when he already had been sold as a slave he chose to make the most of it despite the bleak prospects. This is an attitude I admire, is there proof it comes from god though?

On multiple occasions I have told groups about how god is able to make the most of whatever the situation, yet can we not do this ourselves? After all, it is all about having the right attitude, the strength to fight on despite our situation. I attributed my ability to live on after the death of my mother to god, it was natural to do so; yet looking back, do I know he gave me the strength or may the strength have come from my belief in him? There is a difference, the first is based on the fact that god exists, the second takes no stand as to whether god exists or not. I guess the reason I began contemplating this was that I recognised that many others experience similar tragedies to mine; they live on, yet they do not necessarily belive in god. I wish I could thank god for everything he has done for me, but how can I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has done anything for me at all. Belief is bliss. Uncertainty is torment. Yet I would choose painful insight over blind bliss any day.